Mental Health, or Lack Thereof pt1. TW

TW: SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, ED, RAPE, ADHD DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A DOCTOR Okay, now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let's get into this. Millions of people struggle every day with what feels like a million different issues. For me, it's depression, anxiety, ADHD, and an ED, there's also some lingering trauma from rape but besides the point. I want to talk about mental health because it's what I receive the most submissions about, and honestly, I'm struggling. There are a lot of reasons why I'm a little more unstable than usual. From my rapist being publicly celebrated for being 'powerful' to the racism in my DMs calling me everything from a 'white worshipper' to saying I'm 'Asian-fishing' even though my mother was BORN in South Korea, and just about a hundred other things I'm overwhelmed. I know first world problems, but I don't talk about my struggles often, especially not publicly. Life sucks, and I hate it and I know that others have it worse but I also know that other people's struggles don't denigrate mine. It's a whole process of hating the world and hating myself but oh well. Anyways, what I don't hate is this. Being an outlet for people who feel like they have no one. If you're reading this, you have me. The first mental health point I want to cover is the biggest one in my life. The majority of my issues stem from ADHD believe it or not. Most people don't realize just how big of an impact ADHD has on other facets of your life. Such as additional disorders like RSD (RSD is not a medical diagnosis), or rejection sensitive dysphoria where even small combative phrases can send you into a destructive spiral. Some people will say things like "toughen up" or "you need some thicker skin" but, for those with RSD we aren't thin skinned, we just can't help it. For example -this may be TMI but oh well- there are times having sex where even something small like "keep those on (in reference to underwear)" can cause a spiral of self-loathing and general lack of self-esteem for me. The immediate spiral doesn't take long to get over, but the aftermath of self doubt can take weeks of active reprogramming to recover from. For most people without RSD it's not a big deal, for me, it's crippling. That's just one example though, for some it could be something as simple as 'you look better in red' while you're wearing blue and blue's your favorite color. I don't like to talk about RSD and how it impacts me with people because then it sounds like I want pity or special treatment, and it's not that at all. Being 'overly sensitive' all the time sucks. Honestly, RSD is probably the shittiest part of living with ADHD. When I was younger I often confused it for being bipolar or having OCD which after doing research on both and some self reflection, neither of those things even made sense. One of the biggest reasons for that is because RSD although very intense is short term; episodes although sudden, don't last long. One of the biggest ways I have learned to help cope with these intense episodes is to do things that keep my mind calm. Eating right, sleeping well, meditation, exercise, and maintaining a routine help make my episodes less frequent and less intense. So needless to say, over these past few weeks with platforms growing like crazy, websites being built, scheduling photoshoots and meetings galore, my routine has kind of fallen apart, and with it my mental health. This family of amazing people growing together in a safe space is everything I have ever wanted, and not being able to enjoy it? Worst thing ever. All I want to do right now is smile and make content and continue to grow this family, but I can't even focus enough to remember to feed myself let alone respond to the hundreds of DMs and submissions you beautiful people have sent in. I'm trying though, I really am. All of you deserve a response and whether it's a direct message or entire videos, I'm going to respond. Everyday I promise to try, I promise to try to be better, and to love myself even when I don't think I deserve it. What I'm really trying to say here is that what matters isn't the hand you were dealt, but what you choose to do with it. It doesn't matter that you're depressed, or that you're anxious or bipolar, or manic, or anything else. None of that matters because at the end of the day, somebody loves you, somebody believes in you, and somebody knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're worth it. Be the underdog, surprise everyone, survive. I love you and I believe in you, and you are worth the weight of the world in gold and so much more.

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